Dear Michaela

Here is the question we received from Michaela:

Okay hey! I've know this guy since I was in Kindergarden, and we went to school together until grade six. We have most of the same interests. We usually were always together at school, but we were only 12. The last day of grade six came and we both went to different schools. I barley ran into him, and we used to email back and forth. For a bit. He was nice to me. 

SO then, 4 years passed and it was the summer of 2012. Just finished grade ten. There was an event that old friends from our old school, and we all got together. (Keep in mind it was 4 years apart, and high-school happens.) 

Everyone traded numbers, and ever since that night him and I texted all the time. He didn't text the other girls. He chased my car as I was driving away from the event too.

He always texted me first with a simple 'hey' and we would talk till 2AM. He once ranted to me about these girls that we both don't like, and we would just laugh. It surprised me - how can he start ranting to me after a week when we started texting? Anyways, he say RANDOM things like:

1. I'm under your bed

2. Now I'm on top

3. What is your house number? I'm

on your street. Way to come out and say hi. (I wasn't home.)

He told me things about himself that he loves washing dishes at work and it was something that guys never usually say, right? I asked him why he loves doing that, he said it passes the time and he thinks.

Now, I'm sorry If I am boring you, but to make you understand things you need to hear this. ONE night, there was this 'prank' he pulled on me. He basically told me he hooked up with one of the 'girls' we both hated, he kept going with it and so did she. He told her: 'lets play a prank on X (me) that we hooked up' ---- I didn't believe it. When the prank ended, we talked till late. He said he had to work early the next morning, I said well go to sleep, he said no its okay. So theres that. 

Also there was this dinner that a bunch of friends went to, he couldn't go and texted me that night saying ya I wish you wanted me to be there. Theres that too.

Next is the BIG thing that always will come back in my memories. He told me he liked this girl, her name is Laura. I was like oh cool. This is what he kept asking:

-I really like her

-Do you think she likes me?

-Tell me how I know she likes me.

-Do you think she likes me back?

Me: ask her.

Him: how do I tell her

Me: Be Normal

Him: Yo I like you.

OKAY. Was this a cover up for

Me? That was where things got confusing, he said things that I didn't understand what they REALLY meant. After that he didn't respond as fast, and said he was tired. Goodnight. 

Summer went fast, and next thing you know, Fall came. Grade 11 started and he would send me the casual hey sometimes. I had a loss in the Family and he told me he was sorry to hear about that. We didn't talk as much as we used to though. I guess school got in the way, he got busy. 

Then I got a new phone and new number because my other phone broke. I told him my number and he never messaged me back. We went a good two months without talking, it felt weird. I messaged him three weeks ago, he asked me things about my phone, then that was it. Then he called me 'champ.' I haven' talked to him since.

So, what does that all mean?

Thank you for reading this. It means so much! Xoxo 

Here is our answer:

Hey!

Ok so, first, boys are weird. Not a bad weird, but sometimes their actions seem really strange and random. Let’s start off with your and Jack*’s early friendship. Childhood friendships create a bond, as any friendship does, but since you are developing at this time, that bond is pretty strong. Later on, it is not surprising that Jack reached out and tried to build a friendship again, and as you had just finished grade 10, it is no surprise that some of that friendship became flirty or romantic.

Now, before we move on, the chain of events you told us about are 100% understandable and natural. It is flattering to have a guy reach out especially to you, so why not talk until 2 AM? After the flattering and flirty guy, though, there is a real person, who is going through the exact same thing you are going through- asking why this is happening, being surprised, being confused. In other words, keep in mind that everything you were unsure about he probably was too.

So after talking for a while, he starts getting restless, which leads him to come on a bit stronger. Pranks, and texts conversations like the big thing you told us, are all ways for Jack* to dip his toes in the water, or see if you return any of his feelings. He was definitely interested at this point.

As this relationship reached its height of confusion, where it was either friendship or a relationship, summer ends. This was a change in environment, people, everything (for both of you!). After not having a relationship, Jack* may have been a bit hurt, or embarrassed, about telling you his feelings, so he slowly backed out of constant texting, personal comments, etc. And when you changed your phone, it gave him a chance to really step back, and move on.

This is really a ‘put yourself in the other person’s shoes’ situation. Remember that relatinships aren’t one-sided- there is a lot of questioning on both sides.

We hope this helps in some way! Thanks for sending us your question- it was a good one!

Xoxo,

Shane and Honour

Dear Serena

This was the question we received, names have been slightly modified:


I heard about this from a friend and decided to email you guys about my problem,

             I'm a girl going into 7th grade now. I am of hispanic descent but the only way you can tell is because I have curly brown hair a tad bit darker skin then everyone else and I have a wider (but not by much) nose. I wear glasses. I wear pretty much what everyone else wears in middle school (skinny jeans, t-shirt, aero jacket) and I make friends really easily. Just not with "popular" people.

            There is this Summer girl who hates me I swear. We are in the same "clique" and supposedly close friends.She never invites me to her house, talks about me behind my back, always asks for me to "help" her with her homework and classwork. Then if I ever get something wrong she laughs at me. It's just this past sixth grade year that this has happened and before that we were friends. The problem is all my other friends are really close friends with her. And I mean ALL my other friends: close friends, friends, acquaintances. Of course, when I'm around her with other people she's perfectly nice to me. Well, actually, that's a lie. We all share food at lunch and she always hesitates when she gets to me and says, "...here..." I used to cry in the shower at home during the school year. One time I had finished lunch and she and another girl Jazzy would run away from me and hide in the bathroom. I used to spend my whole lunch looking for them. A nicer girl, Kendall, told me where they were hiding and Summer climbed over the stall to try to get away from me. I don't know what to do about it. We ate lunch together ever day and will probably do the same next year. The people who aren't really friends with her are people who I don't want to spend time with (rude, perverted). I have seriously no idea what to do! 

Here is our answer:

     First of all, hello Serena! Thank you for coming onto this blog and asking us for help; I hope that you find our advice useful, thank your friend for directing you to us, and tell some other people about us!

     Its good that you have a group of friends to hang out with, but its always true, that in a group, you don't get along with everyone in it. Here are the steps we suggest you take:

1) Confront Summer about this situation. Talking about a problem is always the mature, right thing to do because it shows your not talking behind her back, which would make it a bigger problem. Sometimes, it can end the problem very quickly incase there was a misunderstanding between you two.

2) If she also is aware of the problem and wants to solve it, thats great and you should try to be open to talking about it. However, if she blows off what you are saying and/or continues to exclude you, she isn't worth it, or you are just not meant to be friends. If she is acting this way towards you, and continues to after you talk about it, we think that you should move on to nicer girls, like Kendall. 

3) The important thing to remember is that a true friend will make you feel comfortable, and in turn, they will feel comfortable around you.

To wrap this up, don't force friendship. If she continues to purposely exclude you, and you don't like her friends that she chose to spend time with, then the best decision is just to walk away and create your own group of friends. You don't want to waste your time with her. We wish you the best of luck (:

Love,

Shane and Honour xx

Dear Camryn

Here is the email we receive from Camryn:

Hi there,

I saw your blog on Instagram and thought I'd write to you about an issue I have. My mom is an alcoholic. Not completely but like starting at 12 p.m. in the afternoon she starts drinking wine and doesn't stop until she goes to bed. She is such an amazing person up until the point where she gets kind of drunk and out of it. She doesn't get completely drunk but she doesn't function the way she would if she weren't drinking. I feel like I can't talk to her and stuff when she drinks so much alcohol- I feel like it's hurting our relationship. Also, my grandma is an alcoholic so that contributes to this problem. She doesn't know that I am aware of her drinking problem and I don't know how to confront her about it. I never have before. I get really angry with her when she has been drinking because she's not the same. She constantly re-fills her wine glass the entire afternoon. She works full time so obviously this only happens on weekends or when she's home all day. Wherever she is, she always has to find a way to get alcohol. I don't know what to do about this and it really depresses me. My friends parents aren't like this. What do I do? Oh by the way I'm only 13 and my mom is a single parent. 

Thanks,

Camryn

Dear Camryn,

     We are so sorry it took so long for us to answer your question! First of all, we are truly happy that you emailed us. We know it can be really hard to talk to people about issues like this, but we are very proud of you for taking this first step! Sometimes speaking about what's going on is the first step to solving the problem and healing from it.

    In order to give you the best advice we could, we asked people who worked in departments that dealt with alcoholism. Overall, the consensus was that the safest thing to do was talk to a school counselor about what is going on. School counselors are hired to talk to children about real problems in their lives, and, while it may be hard to do, you don't need to be afraid to talk to them about this. Remember, they are there to help you.

     Secondly, it is understandable that you get frustrated with your mom. Know, however, that your mom is NOT doing this to annoy you or make you depressed. When you are about to get angry with her, take a step back and try not to talk accusingly towards her, because no one likes to hear that, even when they have been doing something wrong. With support and love from her family, it is very possible that your mother can recover from alcoholism and that you can build a stronger relationship.

     Again, thank you so much for emailing us, and always remember, your mother loves you no matter what.

xoxo,

Shane and Honour

Dear Mikayla

Here is the question we received:

"I get really bad stage fright and it's so stressful and makes me feel depressed. :( What should I do?"


Hey Mikayla! Stage fright is very common among performers, even professionals. As actresses ourselves, we understand exactly what you are going through. Even when we are really excited to perform a part, both of us get extremely nervous. Over the years we have learned to deal with stage fright. Here are a few things you can do:


- Completely immerse yourself in your role. So completely that you don't even remember that you are performing for an audience
-Imagine you are performing for someone you are very comfortable with, like your best friend.
-Remember that if you mess up, most likely no one will remember and also THE AUDIENCE HAS NOT READ THE SCRIPT!! That means they really will not know if you messed up a line :)


If you are performing, we really do hope you have a great experience. If you ever get stage fright, always remember that you should really be performing for yourself, and that the audience came to see you perform. 


Stage fright may never go away completely, but over time, you will be able to cope with it much better. And don't let it make you depressed! Your performance will be great as long as you're having the time of your life :)


xoxo,
Shane and Honour

Dear Dominique

Here is the question we received:


Ive been having a tough time and came home crying yestuurday. So I havnt been able to hang out with my cousins that much and they moved here 2 years ago, so I bearly know them, and we're not that close. At one point we didn't even talk( me and the 3 sisters), but we've been friendly since late last year. Now I've been trying to be closer to them even, and we had dinner at another of our uncles house. Now the whole time I've been completely friendly ( I am naturally, but I'm quiet around them). And Im thinking that their being friendly too. Then later, they start talking about me when I'm only a few feet away saying I'm stupid and jealous of them. I tried not to listen and just ignore it. But it really did hurt because I was trying so hard to be friends with them lately, and this is what happens. And I did catch the middle sis talking about me right after I left the room early this year, but I just brushed it off. The eldest sister wasn't at the dinner,
and I've never seen her do this, she is the nicest one out of them and very friendly, and I'm the closest to her, but I'm not sure if I can trust her either. It's just upsetting. I have no reason to be jelous of them and I know I'm an intelligent girl. Just cause they've been able to make so many friends here, and I only have a few doesn't mean that they're better than me in any way. I'd actually rather have a few great friends than tons that aren't even good influences. I know this is really long, but I dont know how to be around them now. Should I still try to be friends with the eldest sis? I see them quite often and there is even a big holiday next week for us when I usually hang out with them. Idk what to do and I really feel upset that they couldn't be the nice friends/cousins I thought they would be. Any advice, tips?


Dear Dominique,
   Not talking to some people in your family is sad, but it happens to many, many families! Especially with kids! So that is completely normal. But what isn't okay is talking about you when you can hear them. One of the best solutions is to talk about it! That always seems to work everything out! Talk to your parents, older family members, AND cousins! Ask them, why they were saying that and that you heard them! Say to them, "I want to be friends and it doesn't seem like this is working out, and I was wondering what I did that was wrong!" They will either 'fess up or lie, so go with your instinct. If you do feel like they were lying, be friendly, but don't go out of your way to do anything for them! If they do confess, try to ask what you did, but also don't let them accuse you of things you didn't do. Listen to both sides of the story and try to understand both. 
Good luck! And thanks for writing to us! 
xoxo Shane & Honour

Dear Idoia

Here is the question we received:

"Hi girls! First of all, I'm sorry if I make mistakes in my writting, English is not my first language.
Well, I'm a sixteen-year-old teenager and I do have several problems... But I'm gonna focus just in one which worries me now specially that school is going to start. I'm extremetly shy. That makes my social relationships really difficult, so the friends I have are not really close to me.. also, I'm tired of my grup of friends and my classmates. I'm sick of the same people every single day, but otherwise, It's been such a long time since I don't make any new friends, coz as I've mentioned, I am super shy. And I cannot help it. Plus, I do not like myself in any way. The girls in my school are really pretty and I feel I am always behind them. They are always the spotlight and I don't have any quality so I can like the others. I feel that my life really sucks and I have lost all the motivation in doing the things that I liked before.
I hope you understand me a little bit. Kisses and love!"

Dear Idoia,

     First we need to address that you stated "I do not like myself in any way." Please please please don't think this!! Don't compare yourself to other girls, it kills your confidence! Think about the qualities you do not like about yourself, and think of what you can do to change them. If you can't, learn to love them! Everyone is beautiful, but what really makes you beautiful is your personality and positivity. To overcome your shyness, you may need to work harder at being sociable, but that's OK! Everyone has things they need to work harder at. 

     Music can also inspire you. Here are some of our favorite "pep talk" songs:

- "Who Says" by Selena Gomez

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I

-"Born This Way" by Lady Gaga

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BsLd4Y060Q

- "Change" by Taylor Swift

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1jYllE0T-k

-"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

-"F**kin' Perfect" by P!nk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BIye98Ryic

-"Firework" by Katy Perry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw&ob=av2e

-"Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg&ob=av2e

Also, if the people at your high school aren't your crowd, don't worry! College and future jobs will introduce you to a lot more people who you share interests with!

Good luck! And don't assume people don't like you, it's a common mistake with a lot of people! Don't be afraid to start a conversation with people either! They won't judge you for doing that! And if they do, THEY are the weird ones! :)

xoxo,

Shane and Honour

Dear Olivia

Here is our question from Olivia:
"Hey. I saw your post on elleandblair.com and i figured i'd give you a try. i think im a compulsive liar. seriously i lie all the time and i have know idea how to stop it. today my friends caught me in a lie. i broke down and fessed up right away and they said they forgave me and they understood but i still feel awful. they told me that they were here for me if i needed them and stuff which meant a lot but i feel like they'll never trust me and we'll never be close again. i really don't want to continue lying because its ruining the relationships i have with my friends and family. i hate the fact that i know i can trust them to always be truthful with me and they can't trust me the same way. im really not sure what to do at this point because lying has just become a part of me and it feels so much easier then the truth. i think i lie because sometimes im afraid of the truth. i really just want to stop lying and somehow get my friends to trust me again. what do you think i should do? 

thanks!

~Olivia"

Hey Olivia!

     First of all, here's an easy thing to remember: lying is like a bad habit, you just need to break it!

     The next time you are about to tell a lie, ask yourself:

-Why am I lying?Is it necessary or just hurting my friends/family?

-What is it that I am afraid to tell?

-Should the person I am talking to even being asking me this? If it is not the other person's business, then you should say, "My friend told me this information in confidence, I would need to ask her before telling you or another person." 

     There are two "types" of lies:

-Little White Lies: Lies that are meant to result in good, usually about surprise parties, gifts. They are supposed to not hurt the person you are telling them to EVER! 

-The lies that bite you in the back: Ones that you cover up a mistake you made, hurt your friends, etc. 

     To gain your friends trust, you should tell them that you are really going to make an effort to stop lying. They sound like good friends who will help you through the process! Also, I would suggest apologizing for lies you have told in the past. 

     Finally, these are guidelines. To get to the personal root of why you lie, go to a trusted counselor, parent, relative, or someone you look up to. It may be hard to admit, but it will really only help you in the end. Remember, you have to own up to what you have said, and be able to realize what you have done, who you have affected, but most importantly, that you have the ability and power to stop your bad habit!

Good luck!

Xoxo,

Shane and Honour